A Bosu Ball, A Weighted Vest And Two Hand Weights

bosu ballIt is no secret that I love to exercise.  I consider it therapy so it should be no surprise that I spend a great deal of my time doing it.  A few weeks ago during one of my exercise classes the instructor told me to stand on a bosu ball while wearing a 25-pound weighted vest and holding 8-pound weights in my hands.  A bosu ball is a half of a ball that helps to create an unstable surface, thereby forcing you to find your balance or you will fall.  For about 5 minutes I stood on that ball wearing that vest doing several different exercises with the hand weights.  It took tremendous focus, balance, and effort to keep me perched on that ball.

At the end of the routine I came off the ball, took off the vest and put down the weights.  I immediately felt a lightness that I had never felt before.  My body could relax and my feet were planted firmly on the floor.  My arms felt like feathers and my breathing returned to an even rhythm.  It was a great workout and I had not given it a second thought until recently about how much it represents a part of my life.

For the past few months I have been feeling like something is missing.  I was not able to identify what the void was exactly but I felt empty inside.  This absence did not make me feel any lighter but rather left me feeling quite heavy and weighted down.  A feeling quite similar to what I had felt that time on the bosu ball.

As the days went on I began to search for the cause of this feeling.  I had enough insight to know that it had to do with Sydney and all that goes into raising a special needs child.  However, I also knew that I had been actively addressing many issues and feelings that come with a life like this: anger, guilt, frustration, grief, acceptance, tolerance, and empathy.  I work on dealing with these emotions everyday…yet something was missing and it felt different.

The other day my thoughts drifted back to that workout on the bosu ball and how I felt when it was over.  I realized at that moment that what was missing from my life was a feeling of lightness or better yet a feeling of being carefree.  The truth is that I feel as though I spend my days on a bosu ball.  My world is unpredictable, unsteady, and requires tremendous focus to not fall off.  Underneath my clothing, you may not notice, but I wear a weighted vest everyday and it forces me to exert more energy to get through the day.  I also carry two hand weights everywhere I go which prevents me from moving quickly and swiftly through my daily chores or activities.   Regardless of where I am or what I am doing I am weighted down by the responsibilities of caring for a special needs child.  It is a situation that never allows me to step off the ball, take off the vest, or let go of the weights.  I no longer have the ability to experience the feeling of lightness I once had before SMS entered my life.

I will admit I mourn the loss of a carefree moment every now and then.  I am not ashamed to admit that I envy those who do not feel weighted down by their life circumstances.   However, I do relish in the fact that I have gained the strength that enables me to stay perched on that ball despite all my baggage.  Sure I fall off every now and then but my ability to balance my life gets better and better with each passing day.

My goal is to gain the ability to stand on that Bosu while wearing a weighted vest and holding two hand weights and feel light and carefree at the same time.